Just because you stopped caring, didn't mean you stopped loving them, right?
Mar 03, 2021
Just because you stopped caring, didn't mean you stopped loving them, right?
You stopped giving, because - well what is the point of loving someone who doesn't see you or receive you? That big caring, loving heart of yours - just gets met with a brick wall.. a cold one. Colder than Antarctica. π₯Ά
I remember when this hit me. And it hit me hard.
So I sat still with presence, which is so hard to do when emotions are wanting to move through. Give me a house to clean or Netflix to binge, with a block of chocolate and chamomile tea, any day. But I’ve learnt that if I do not sit with presence, eventually those emotions burst out in anger (house cleaning in anger anyone!?) and that is not a fun time in my house either. So I sat. And I sat some more. And I listened.
What is it I am actually wanting to say?
Waves of sadness swept through me and when I can’t seem to cry properly, I know it’s not entirely mine. So I sat with it some more.
And then it hit my core.
I stopped giving my love.
I stopped giving my attention.
I stopped giving my goddamn care.
About the people in my life.
About the man in my life.
When I realised, "What is the fucking point? If I don't matter, if my love is not important, then what the fuck should I give more for? What the fuck should I even give my time, energy or love for? Why should I care about them? When...." and I could feel myself trying to find the story that attached to the feeling....it just kept going...
I was wondering what this was about... where was this coming from... and so I followed it some more... I dug a little bit deeper, I sat with presence... a little while more...
That somewhere along the way, somewhere along my time, something made me internalise - that my love wasn't worthy of time, that my giving love of who I am and my attention to them wasn't received nor cared for, my attention wasn't enjoyed nor reciprocated, my love - my BEING - ME, wasn't worthy enough for them. π’
So I stopped. I stopped caring about them.
About giving my all to them.
About giving a flying fuck about them.
But this - this was a little girl inside, a little girl who had internalised the depth of the pain, that she felt when her love, her BEING, her = all of her, was this living breathing Being, that didn't feel cared about, that she didn't feel loved, that what she said and did, didn't matter, nor could she even get a word in to be heard. π’
That anything she said was met with negativity, resistance and told that her voice, her opinions were wrong and didn't matter. So she stopped talking. She stopped sharing her feelings. She stopped believing that her feelings even mattered at all. π³π
She stopped caring, believing that what she had mattered, that what was inside her, made a difference or that anyone even cared. π€·π»βοΈ She shut down. She stopped. And she internalised feelings of not enough, of hatred, of who cares, of what is the point.... and welcome.. to the start of victimhood... and growing up into a world of internalised 'not good enough' shame spiral, hate, regret and despondent sorrow...
In turn, creating intimate relationships that replicated this deep well of internalised stuff from long, long ago....πͺ
Where everything is hard....
Where you have to 'work hard to receive money'...
Where you have to do it all on your own....
Where your feelings don't matter...
Where anything you say is met with negativity...
Where what you want in life is unimportant....
And consistently told what you 'should' be focusing on instead...
Where you are never accepted or loved by those around you - especially - those closest to you...
Until one day, someone comes along with enough unwavering care, faith and love... and the internalised feelings surface. If we don't know what to do with them at the time, those deep wounds that created your reality to date are then projected, dis-owned and thrown at the closest person to you - we call that sabotage of the highest order and wonder why you can't even keep or attract new relationships or friendships of any kind. π’
As this time came, it was when I realised this is the level of what my subconscious creations were running the show - called my life - and so I sat some more and dug a little deeper. π³οΈπͺ
That when that little girl in me internalised this feeling of not being important, of not mattering, of my voice being shut down and met with a negative comment every time I opened my mouth, I did something that hurt me for so long... I shut down my heart, built up concrete walls and life became one big constant battle. π’π‘οΈβοΈ
I thought it would protect me, I thought it was 'right'. I didn't know any other way and it was the only way I thought I could barricade the hurt and pain 'out', yet, not realising that what I actually did - was block out the love that is only the truth in the now. In the now, I am not in that old situation anymore. But my subconscious creations still 'felt' like this was the case.. but a solid reality check, is far from that. π₯
My heart had felt empty and lonely for so long - I felt vulnerable even admitting it to myself, let alone sharing it with you. How can I say this? How can I admit this? How can I let people see me not being perfect again.. because last time I was eaten up by the dark and disappeared off the face of the Earth. Well, it felt like it. And I kinda did.
But that is the thing about getting to the core. You realise the story you have been living from. π³ And it's confronting as fuck.
You can choose to stay in the same old story, like my 'wound' of victimhood or you can sit and drop deep into your core and find out what is really going on, where this is really coming from and rise back up into empowerment and love.
To fill your own heart with love, to heal your own source of pain, rather than project it onto others, like I did for many years with a heavy heart I say. π’
When all I had to do was look within, look deep within and grab that little girl by the hand, lead her back into the light of forgiveness of self and love her, open that heart back up - for the only pain that was being caused, was the one she did to herself and that was to:
- believe what others said over her own heart (not trusting herself)
- close her heart (huge concrete wall didn't help anyone)π‘οΈβοΈ
- believe she was not worthy of Being - can you believe it? π³
That affects soooooooo much. That is the part that hit me the hardest. Not what they did… but what I started doing to myself because of it. π
And this is the part that no one teaches you how to actually move through. Everyone says “heal it” - but no one shows you how to sit in it, go into it and actually shift it at the core…let alone wtf to do when those tsunami waves of buried emotions hit and you can't stop crying for three days (or three weeks!) and understand what is happening so you don't go get white pills cause you think you're losing it - no - you're healing.
This is exactly the work we do inside Trust Your Intuition. To be able to drop into your core when something rises, understand what is actually going on, where it is actually coming from and shift it at the level it was created, instead of just calling it healing and hoping time does the rest. Remember how I said time does not heal all wounds?
Because there is nothing wrong with you... you are just human and humans have egos and egos get bruised.
And with your loving, ever forgiving Soul, that is constantly guiding you back to a state of love, you have the opportunity in every single moment, to be able to choose something different.
You know you are worthy of great love right?
If you answered no, then you need to get into Trust Your Intuition. It is built in the Solar Plexus, the seat of your self worth, self esteem, believing and trusting yourself.
You know you are worthy of Being, right? You better believe it.
Right now, old patterns are being challenged around what it is that you want... not what someone else's influence told you to want.
You're not settling anymore. You're not putting yourself last anymore. That has been coming up a lot for you lately, right? And with all the shifts and changes that have been triggered, this deep core exploring feels like a #choicepoint around what you really want... and believing in yourself enough to actually choose it.
With an extra huge dose of radical self love... it is possible.
The intensity and the extreme highs and lows you have been riding are being fed by the unhealed wounds underneath it all. And this is the #choicepoint. Do you keep choosing from the same wound and creating the same reality... or do you choose something different and step into a new one? Which are you choosing? Which are you riding?
Which reality - are you stepping into from this moment forth?
Ride the radical self love wave....
Ride the radical forgiveness wave.....
Ride the radical self care wave....
What if, I chose radical self care?
What if, I chose radical forgiveness?
What if, I chose radical self love?
What would your day look like then?
What would your choices look like then?
What would your life look like then?
Make this your priority, in every #choicepoint you decide. And watch your reality shift.
Do you need to dig a bit deeper?
Love, Hannah
The Life Purpose Queen π
P.S. You’re at a #choicepoint right now. You can keep creating from the same patterns… or you can choose something different - that black 'unknown' path that you cannot 'see' but can feel your Soul calling you forth on.
If you’re ready to go deeper and actually shift this at the core, Trust Your Intuition™ is where we do that. Click here for all the details, or message me on social media with any questions about it, would love to teach you the life changing tools to take your power back: https://www.realityawareness.com/trust-your-intuition
Author
